It is time to write something raw & honest. Let’s talk about something that isn’t usually discussed in the dinner table. Most people do not acknowledge this as a concrete problem because it is all in the mind. And because it is all in the mind, you can simply control it, think of happy thoughts and it would go away.
Sure, only if it is that simple.
My anxiety is always about staying put, my mind has a mind of its own & it keeps on wandering all the time. It’s like I can only stay focus for a definite period and after that, khallas, I am done! My anxiety doesn’t care if my present situation is comfortable or safe or if I have friends or if I’m financially supported. I feel like I am a programmed ticking clock that when the alarm beeps– it is time to go. As to where, as always, I have no f*cking idea.
I remember a conversation with Mama few years ago how she called me out for always changing jobs. She told me she has been on the same job since she was 21 & that I should do the same, you know settle & stay put. I disagreed with her & said I was looking for something else & I wasn’t very happy anymore. I may have added, life is short so why suffer? Okay, I sounded like a total brat who felt a little discomfort & went ranting nonstop but I wasn’t at all like that. I’m quite okay in the workplace, you know the perfect employee who doesn’t burn bridges & makes sure the boss
(would have a hard time replacing me because I’m the best corporate slave alive) would only have good words for me on reference checks. (Wink). At the moment, my anxiety is on full blown again & its telling me to pack & go. The force is so strong I’ve constantly argue with myself that Dubai is the safest city in the world “Are you very sure you are asking me to leave?!” But anxiety won & soon, I will leave this country. I have a rough plan for what’s next & if you ask me planning long term isn’t really my strongest so I am taking it one day at a time. I will let myself rest for a few months but after that, I will let my gut feelings decide for me.
But what about insurance bills and groceries and house mortgage? It is totally irresponsible to just quit them too or ask my parents to cover them for me while I’m at my phase. I mean I may have quirks & impulses but I make sure I don’t burden people (especially my own family) of my decisions. So financially I am okay & well, maybe it’s the perfect time to go on a real diet when my funds run short.
I know I have lost meaningful relationships all because I can not stay put. And as someone who doesn’t initiate conversations & isn’t good at small talks, add it to the fact that my mouth grew nastier each passing year, I don’t wonder I am left with only few friends. I don’t blame people though, we outgrow friendships and that is okay.
My anxiety is always about staying put, my mind has a mind of its own & it keeps on wandering all the time.
I feel like I am a programmed ticking clock that when the alarm beeps– it is time to go.
But why do I have to leave, why is it necessary? Why can’t I just mope & wallow in sadness in the comforts of my bathroom? (Eat, Pray, Love, bathroom crying reference)
If I know all these answers, I would have figured out the world. But I don’t. I am always careful not to (over)share my personal thoughts because people are judge-y. I have been misunderstood a couple of the times. Not that I made an effort to correct them but people are quick to judge you. I have been matter-of-factly instructed I should get married & have a kid that way I will be ‘settled’ & I would have a concrete responsibility other than myself. Or I was told my problems are shallow & I shouldn’t be complaining because my situation is way better than others. Guess what, I have enough anxieties to worry about how long will this relationship last(?) or child birth horrors or not knowing any nursery rhymes to sing to my kid! My problem is not cancer but it is a mental health issue so who says it is not valid? We are all entitled to our beliefs, I respect that & I know writing this openly would only invite judgement & backlash but the years have somehow taught me to give fewer f*cks so.. judge away.
Maybe it’s a case of unbalanced brain chemicals or maybe I am watching way too much war movies. I don’t know but my gut feelings say its okay to leave now or else, I’ll completely lose it. Maybe after 3 years ill find myself in this very same spot again, but 3 years is still a long time & what matters is (my mental well being) NOW.
What are your anxieties & how do you cope?